What Can I Do When My Partner Explodes? These Four Things Will Help.
In some families, anger is seen as more acceptable than other emotions. A person might express anger in order to mask emotions that cause them to feel vulnerable, such as hurt or shame. Anger triggers are people, places, situations, and things that set off anger. Your triggers can provide clues about the emotions behind your anger. Anger is an emotion that tends to be easy to see.
Anger is often just the tip of the iceberg. Other emotions may be hidden beneath the surface. Anger may be fueled by different emotions at different times, or by a combination of emotions. Sometimes, however, anger is just anger.
Anger is often a secondary emotion.
This means there is usually something stirring behind the anger. It can be sadness. Disappointment. Overwhelmed. Lonely. Embarrassed. Hurt. Helpless. Pain. Frustration. Insecurity. Grief. Anxiety. Threatened. Contempt. Guilt. Jealous. Fear. Shame.
Sometimes anger can affect what you say or do before you even recognize how you’re feeling. You may become so used to the feeling of anger that you don’t notice it, sort of like how you can hear the sound of an air conditioner, or the humming of a refrigerator, but block it from your mind.
Even if you aren’t aware of your anger, it influences how you behave. The first step to managing anger is learning to recognize your personal warning signs that will tip you off about how you’re feeling.
How do you react when you feel angry? Some of these warning signs might start when you are only a little irritated, and others might start when you are very angry.
For you and your partner to build awareness around your anger, consider being mindful of the signs of anger.
These can include:
Your Mind goes blank
You insult the other person
Your face turns red
Your body or hands shake
You start sweating
Heavy or fast breathing
You stare at the other person aggressively
You scowl or make an angry face
You scream, raise voice, or yell
You feel sick to the stomach
You feel hot
You become argumentative
You go quiet and “shut down”
Crying
Pacing around the room
Headaches
You cannot stop thinking about the problem
Dealing with the emotional flood.
When people flood emotionally, they lose perspective and no longer have the ability to consider how their actions are impacting others. Therefore these interactions are likely to be damaging. Once we are triggered emotionally, we operate from our amygdala, the reptilian portion of our brain. Its primary function is self-protection. Need and feed or fight or flight. This is fine and good if you’re trying to protect yourself from lions and tigers, but once the amygdala is activated, humans are incapable of rational thought. Thus, having a functional, trusting, mutually satisfying interaction with someone who is emotionally flooded is impossible. Until the emotional level calms, there is no space for reason.
What can I do?
Stay steady
Help your partner to feel safe. Stay calm. The last thing that’s needed is for you to match their emotional intensity. This means regulating your emotions or refusing to escalate. Which means we have to control our natural responses. Not easy. Putting on an emotional turtle shell is far better than engaging someone who’s flooded in an irrational conversation. This is not the time to try to reason with your partner to see things a different way. They can’t at this moment.
Maintain calm.
Try to respond warmly with the phrase “you’re right” the next time you feel attacked. For example;
“You’ve ruined my life!”
“You’re right. I’ve really messed things up.”
“I hate you.”
“I don’t blame you. I’m not too happy with myself either.”
This may sound totally irrelevant to the conversation, but since someone who’s emotionally flooded is incapable of being rational, it doesn’t make a whole lot of difference if your response sounds irrational.
Help them de-escalate
You and your partner can have a conversation that entails getting the other to agree to engage in a different mindset the next time one of you is flooding emotionally. Attempting to shift to a different part of the brain when escalating, can work.
For example, tell your partner to envision a safe place they love with bright orange walls.
Or, if that person tends to be more analytical, ask them to calculate a math problem in their head. It’s amazing to watch how people are able to calm down and move on with a rational conversation.
Avert the problem with heartfelt listening.
You can also avert the problem altogether by seeking to understand what the other person is saying. It doesn’t matter if it’s true or not, real or not, you’re seeking to validate their feelings at that moment.
For example, your partner says “I had a dream last night you were with your affair partner again.”
You say, “That sounds awful! I’m so sorry you had that dream.” Take it a step further by saying, “What was that like for you?”
