Don’t Use Your Partner as a Punching Bag

Most of us like to vent once in a while. It feels good to get things off your chest to process the events of the day and relax. When feeling frustrated, it makes sense that we want to share that frustration with the person we love. There’s a difference between letting off steam once in a while versus venting as a regular part of communication.

I have observed in relationships where one person is a regular venter, the other often reports feeling like a punching bag.

When your partner says “I’m not your punching bag!” What are they really saying?

They may be trying to express the judgment, criticism, negativity, hostility, and anger they may feel coming their way. They may be telling you they feel overwhelmed by the communication in the relationship. They may be saying “I’m feeling emotionally flooded.”

They may be saying they feel attacked by their partner’s venting. Especially if there are insults and unproductive criticism.

They may feel like they are being blamed for anything wrong.

They may be telling their partner there is no room for their voice in conversations and conflicts between them.

They may be telling you they are up to their neck in overwhelming emotions and feelings.

They may be saying “slow down. Take a breath.”

They may be telling you they feel disconnected and tired. Or emotionally flooded.

There’s an endless supply of things to vent over. If we associate feeling better with letting off steam while talking to our partner, it’s addictive and easy to see how it can become a habit.

 It’s easy to see why the partner on the listening end of venting sessions might over time begin to feel like a punching bag.

Imagine coming home from a hard day. The house is quiet. You are in good spirits and feeling excited for your partner to come home so you can start dinner together. Overall, life is good.

As you start dinner and wind down from the day feeling relatively peaceful your partner walks in the room and begins to complain about his/her/their day.

You love your partner and want to support them so you pause what you’re doing and begin to listen. After ten minutes or so, you notice your mood start to take an enormous shift.

You’ve been told some ills of the world and how unfair and hard life can be. They tell you how three people at work are not pulling their load and slacking off. They continue to tell you about someone in the office full of greed and some gossip stirring around. They tell you how annoyed they were coming home when someone cut them off in traffic, how frustrated they were with how slow the pharmacy was picking up their medicine, and again how much they hate this pharmacy and hate having to take this medicine.

You begin to think that your poor partner, bless their heart, hates their life.

You never did get to talk much about your day. You never mentioned what a good mood you were in. How good you felt. How much you were looking forward to seeing your partner and enjoying time with them.

The partner venting was likely in a low mood that day. Maybe they were hungry or didn’t get much sleep last night, or felt a headache coming on. Maybe they are feeling sorry for themselves. They may feel anxious and worried. Most likely, they will see things differently tomorrow. The listening partner tries to be supportive, and knowing their partner the way they do, knows that this mood will pass for both of them.

On the other hand, it’s difficult to always have this perspective.

The perspective needed not to be brought down by excessive venting and negativity.

When this happens consistently, it changes the relationship and the people in it.

So, we all vent from time to time. The key here is to be aware of how much venting is happening in your relationship. Make sure your partner is okay and isn’t paying a high price mentally and emotionally. Keeping it under control will help to keep your partner from feeling like a punching bag.