Trigger Time: Couples Arguing
Are you tired of having the same argument loop with your partner? This is one of the most common complaints I hear in sessions with couples. So I start by asking:
Think of a time you felt disconnected from your partner.
Maybe yesterday when he/she/they lashed out toward you in anger, and your partner ended up saying something that was sure to rattle your nerves.
What emotion did you feel? Maybe you felt embarrassed, ashamed, or furious.
What did you experience in your body? Everything stops and the mood you were just in seems to suddenly crumble. Maybe you feel tense, and hot.
Can you give this a name? Trigger Time?
How does your brain interpret these emotions? This is bad. Wrong. I’m offended.
What do you say to yourself? “How dare they scold me! There it is again. Why can’t they stop doing that! This is bad. I can’t tolerate that. I won’t.
What do you do then? Get defensive? What action do you take? Yell, withdraw, go silent, criticize, leave the house?
There’s a better way. And it’s easy to learn in 4 easy ways using Gottman’s concept of the Four Horsemen.
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, & Stonewalling (gottman.com)
Antidotes
Four Horsemen
Gentle Startup
Dealing with problems in a calm and gentle way. The focus is on the problem—not the person.
Save the discussion for an appropriate time.
Use warm body language and tone of voice.
Use “I” statements.
“I feel frustrated when dirty dishes are left in the sink. Could you please do the dishes tonight?”
Criticism
Dealing with problems through harsh, blaming, or hurtful expressions of judgment or disapproval.
Focus is on perceived personal flaws rather than changeable behaviors.
Often met with defensiveness.
“This kitchen is a mess. You’re such a slob.”
Defensiveness
Deflecting responsibility for your own mistakes and behaviors, or refusing to accept feedback.
Making excuses for behavior.
Shifting blame to your partner.
“It isn’t my fault I yelled. You were late, not me!”
Take Responsibility
Own up to your behavior without blaming others.
Avoid taking feedback personally.
Use feedback as an opportunity to improve.
Show remorse and apologize.
“I shouldn’t have raised my voice. I’m sorry.”
Contempt
Showing anger, disgust, or hostility toward your partner.
Using putdowns or insults.
Acting superior to your partner.
Using a mocking or sarcastic tone.
Share Fondness & Admiration
Foster a healthy relationship by regularly showing each other respect and appreciation.
Show affection.
Recognize your partner’s strengths.
Give compliments.
Stonewalling
Emotionally withdrawing, shutting down, or going silent during important discussions.
Often a response to feeling overwhelmed.
Used to avoid difficult discussions or problems.
Underlying problems go unresolved.
Use Self-Soothing
Use relaxation techniques to calm down and stay present with your partner.
Agree to pause the conversation briefly.
Use deep breathing.
Use progressive muscle relaxation (PMR).
