Infidelity Rocked My Relationship. Now What Do I Do?

Nobody wakes up and decides to be unfaithful. It’s a heavy weight and burden when choices have been made to be unfaithful. Keeping secrets, deception, crushing your mate, and throwing everything you have always held dear down the drain is the last thing you thought you would ever do.

Infidelity is a heavy burden on the betrayed partner and the unfaithful partner. This blog is for both or either of you.

Here we are. As the betrayed partner, nothing is more shocking, devastating, and life-changing than finding out your partner has been unfaithful. There are so many questions.

As the betrayed partner, you are likely asking yourself any number of questions and are flooded with emotion and intrusive thoughts. How did this happen? How could I be so blind and so foolish? How can I trust you again? Ever. I have so many intrusive thoughts and images drowning my head every day. How can I function when I don’t know what’s real and what isn’t? How do I know I can trust the changes you say you are making?

As the unfaithful you may be experiencing: defensiveness, feeling attacked, overwhelming guilt and shame, or the opposite feeling of numbness and detachment, fear, trauma, anger, resentment, and feeling overwhelming shame from your mate’s devastation. You want nothing more than to help, and for both of you to get some relief, but everything you do seems to make it worse.

As the betrayed you may be experiencing out-of-control emotional reactions and flooding, triggers all throughout the day in the home, and while you’re out. Basically everywhere. It’s as if someone has died. A part of you has died. You’re grieving. You can’t trust your memories with your partner and you certainly don’t trust the future.

Having an affair has a way of bringing everything to the surface. But here’s the thing. So many couples who go through this find that they come out the other end of this hell even more robust, with a new relationship and set of skills that last a lifetime.

There is hope and there are solutions.

Every relationship hits a snag or worse, a major crisis (such as infidelity), that demands significant change if the relationship is to survive.

There are promises to change as the two of you embark upon a new path. You watch closely. “Can I trust this? How long will it last? Will he/she do it again? Are there really going to be changes?” Can you trust the changes you think you see?

Those are good questions. Here are some ways to know if the change is going to last:

Passivity becomes activity. Recklessness changes into thoughtfulness. Aloofness turns to engagement. Before he/she would have waited for you to make a move toward counseling, but now they are taking it upon themselves to get started. You notice now when he/she goes out you are kept informed of what’s going on and send text messages checking in with you.

Apologies without a but right after it.

He/she expresses more curiosity about you, him/herself, and others. He/she is more aware and engaged without criticism or defensiveness.

You feel that somehow there has been a shifting of gears. There’s a different rhythm or flow in the relationship. Much less effort, and less tension.

You find yourself noticing how differently he/she talks. The words seem different. The emotional tone of the words feels different.

The negative times, where you felt very stuck, helpless and hopeless, are less intense, and happen less often. You have better ways to move out of flooding and triggers more quickly.

Your gut tells you this is ok. You begin to trust that part of you more.

He/she seems to have more direction and purpose. Less drifting. He/she seems to be driven more by internal desires and wishes rather than reacting to people or circumstances.

He/she takes up interesting hobbies or finds more enthusiasm for their career.

More concern is expressed for family, children, and close friends.

Words such as “I’m going to…I’ll try to….and I promise… are fewer and fewer, or gone.

You hear no blaming of others. He/she doesn’t make others responsible for his/her actions.

There is good eye contact.

If you need help solo or in a couple, reach out to me. Infidelity therapy can bring relief when you have a therapist who knows and understands infidelity.