Are You Enabling Your Partner?

How can you support your partner without enabling them?

It’s a delicate balance to being helpful to your partner without it carrying over into enabling behavior. First, let’s talk about what enabling behavior looks like:

You think no one else can handle issues better than you.

The relationship never seems to get better.

Your perception of your partner is that he/she is helpless.

Your day-to-day life revolves around your partner.

You apologize too much, and put your partner’s needs ahead of your own. Even sometimes ahead of the children’s needs.

You make excuses for your partner and often take more of the responsibility for conflict.

You may avoid conflict.

Resentment builds.

Things You Can Do

Encourage open communication in your home.

Both partners can safely and comfortably express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns. If children are in the home they will witness you modeling this as a couple.

Set healthy boundaries.

Let each other know your limits and zero-tolerance behaviors. Communicate your expectations of each other. Discuss boundary issues when they arise. You know they have risen when you feel upset. Anger is a sure sign that a boundary has been crossed. Consider your limits and zero-tolerance behaviors.

Take personal responsibility.

Encourage your partner to hold themselves accountable for their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors by modeling this yourself first. Show your partner that you hold yourself accountable for your own decisions. You can do this by verbalizing what it is. “I take responsibility for how I feel when…..” Show your partner you hold yourself accountable by not projecting, getting defensive, or finger-pointing. You statements, more than I statements, coming out may be a sign of projection.

Offer emotional support to your partner.

Rather than focusing on what you want to say next, be mindful of really, truly listening to what they are saying. You can show you are listening by repeating back to them what you hear them saying. Regardless if you agree or not. “It sounds like what you are telling me is……” You might think you are a pretty good listener, but if you are just waiting for your turn to speak, it might be time to practice more listening.

Provide constructive feedback.

The best way to do this is to focus on growth-oriented statements instead of criticisms. You can ask the question: do you want some solution suggestions, or do you just need me to listen while you vent right now? If your partner is getting frustrated by your problem-solving efforts this is a sign that your partner just needs you to listen.

Encourage self-reliance:

Support your partner in developing skills and their abilities instead of doing for them. If they need appointments or resources you can point them in the right direction, but they can take it from there and make the phone calls.

If you tend to make excuses for your partner and their behaviors this may be a sign of enabling.

Foster a supportive network.

Encourage your partner to reach out to support and resources outside of your relationship. This takes some of the pressure off you and facilitates their independence.

Promote self-care:

Encourage your partner to engage in hobbies, exercise, mindfulness, and relaxation. Be a model for this by doing it for yourself.